You’ve heard it a thousand times; it’s almost become a cliche:
“You can’t love anyone until you love yourself.”
While true, there is something else that lies at the center of not only how we view ourselves and love others, but it also has a direct bearing on whether or not we can live the kind of life we desire. That “something else?” Self-respect.
Let me explain.
While self-love and self-respect are interconnected and essential for our well-being, there is a subtle but important distinction between the two:
Self-love:
Self-love refers to the affection, acceptance, and compassion we have for ourselves. It’s the ability to treat ourselves with the sort of kindness, care, and understanding we would a close friend. Self-love involves acknowledging our strengths, weaknesses, and imperfections, and being gentle with ourselves for all of it.
Self-Respect:
Self-respect, on the other hand, is about having a deep regard for ourselves, our values, and our boundaries. It’s the ability to say NO when necessary, stand up for ourselves, assert our needs, and maintain our integrity. Self-respect involves recognizing our worth, being honest with ourselves, and taking responsibility for our actions. It is what makes feeling comfortable in our own skin possible.
To illustrate the difference:
• Self-love might say, “I’m doing the best I can, and that’s okay.”
• Self-respect might say, “I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect – by myself and others.”
Self-love is a warmth we extend to ourselves; it focuses on acceptance, compassion, even tenderness. Self-respect emphasizes our inherent worth, dignity, and boundaries. Both are essential for building a solid relationship with ourselves. I think of self-respect as the bodyguard of the heart.
Unintended consequences:
If we don’t have enough respect for ourselves, it is nearly impossible to have and maintain an authentic, fulfilling, balanced, reciprocal relationship with someone else. It doesn’t matter how great the other person is or how much you want them in your life. One’s lack of self-respect will result in either picking the wrong people in life or not recognizing the people who are right for you. Either way, a door to emotional intimacy is closed and no one can break it down. This door opens only from the inside.
Now, no one intentionally undervalues themselves. Somewhere along the line, some of us (really, most of us) learned or concluded that we were unworthy of love. Or happiness. Or success. Or having our own needs fulfilled. We absorbed this message, and it simply became woven into the fabric of our being. We don’t notice it for what it is. But we do know that the consequences of it simply don’t feel good.
If you’re interested in learning some actionable steps you can take to strengthen your regard for yourself, including how to respect yourself more, watch my podcast below.
