Let me be the one to say it: some things just hurt.
As surprising as this may sound, knowing this truth can be liberating.
Let me explain with a personal example.
When my father was dying (unbeknownst to me) of laryngeal cancer, still in the hospital having just had his voice box removed, he mouthed the words, “Why me? Why is this happening to me?” I can still hear his words despite the fact that he had no voice, one of those moments in life that is hot branded into my psyche.
John Duca was a simple guy who loved his family more than anything in the world. His second love was sitting at the kitchen table, surrounded by family, good Italian food, and a small glass of red wine. And conversation. Oh, how he loved conversation. One of the more perverse side effects of the surgery that was to have saved his life was that he could no longer speak. Or eat, except through a tube. A good, good man, I screamed the same question in my head, “Why him? and why me? Why am I going through this hell, the hell of watching someone I love relegated to suffering?”
I was filled with a powerless resentment. It burned.
What snapped me out of my inner firestorm was something his doctor said in the course of conversation. He said, “John, someday it’s going to be my turn. I’m not going to say, “Why me? I’m going to say why not me?” It suddenly occurred to me that to other people, I’m the other person for whom ills, tragedies, and things that just suck are more expected.
When people say, “Why me?” what they’re implying is, “Why not Catherine?” Or … “You?” Basically, they’re pleading: “Anybody but me.”
Now, my dad’s doctor had no idea but that day, he busted me. And I’m grateful all these years later.
The truth is, pain is an inescapable part of life. We’ll all experience it in the form of hurt, disappointment, and loss, regardless of how hard we try to avoid it. In essence, a pain-free life is an illusion, a myth, and a fantasy all blended into one unrealistic, suffering-inducing smoothie, for it is the pushing against the existence of pain that creates more of it. This loop contributes to, if not directly causes suffering. Pain is a natural component of life. Suffering is not.
Yes, some things just hurt. By accepting hurt as an inherent part of life, we can find a sense of comfort and liberation. Why? Because then we don’t take adversity personally; we feel neither singled out nor forgotten by life itself. We no longer feel as though there’s a target on our heart.
So, the next time you’re faced with pain or hurt, try approaching it with radical acceptance: accepting reality as it is, without attempting to bend the arc of truth. Does this mean we never try to affect change or improve circumstances? Of course not. It does mean that our internal “come from place” is one that allows us to face that what is happening is happening.
The bottom line is that by acknowledging that pain is a natural part of life, we free ourselves from the false hope that life – if we try hard enough – can be exactly as we would like it to be. You just might discover that this acceptance brings a sense of peace that you never envisioned.
To our shared humanity, friends.
xo
