Relationships are beautiful, tricky, splendid, messy, slippery things that affect our wellbeing every bit as much as our diet and our sleep schedule. On this Independence Day weekend, the Sunday Sauce is looking at relationship independence.
And, while we’re at it … relationship co-dependence, and inter-dependence. This information can help strengthen your friendships and ignite your romantic partnerships in the years ahead.
The “I statement” is the cornerstone of any couples’ therapy. It also happens to be the love language that we psychotherapists encourage our clients to become fluent in. We feel this goes a long way toward reducing finger-pointing, raised voices, and defensiveness.
The basic formula is this: “I feel X when Y happens,” and is typically followed by a need or request.
Shall I explain further?
It might be tempting to blurt out, “You always look at your phone during dinner!” (Yes, this may feel satisfying. But the satisfaction likely won’t last beyond 30 seconds and will do nothing to make your conversation more productive. Nor will it help your cause.)
Instead, you might say: “I feel lonely when you look at your phone during meals. It would mean a lot to me if we could look at each other, undistracted, when we’re eating together or having a conversation. Can we make that agreement?”
What are “I” Statements?
“I” statements are a way of expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs without blaming or attacking others. Speaking in the first person can (and should) replace the words never and always which are strictly off-limits in any conversation that hopes to be constructive. In essence, using “I” statements is a way of taking ownership of the way you experience your experiences.
Benefits of “I” Statements
* Reduced Conflict: “I” statements help avoid blame and defensiveness, reducing the likelihood of escalating conflicts.
* Increased Empathy: By expressing your feelings and needs – without blame or judgment – you give others the room to understand and respond with empathy. Here, you can bring out the best in a person rather than elicit the worst.
* Simply Better Communication: “I” statements pave the way for clearer and more direct communication. With fewer assumptions being made, misunderstandings or clashes decrease. Understanding increases.
Other Examples of “I” Statements
– Instead of “You always ignore me,” say “I feel hurt when I’m not included in conversations.”
– Instead of “You’re so messy,” say “I feel overwhelmed when the house is cluttered.”
– Instead of “You never listen,” say “I feel frustrated when I’m not feeling heard.”
Practice “I” Statements
Consider the following if you would like to practice using “I” statements:
– Start small: Begin by using “I” statements in low-stakes conversations, such as discussing your food preference or opinion about a film.
– And Active Listening:
– Be Specific: Strive to be as clear as you can when it comes to stating your feelings and needs, avoiding vague statements, hints or generalizations.
– Give the other person room to have their own reaction to your “I” statement. – Avoid rapid-fire questioning.
– Answer clarifying questions willingly; they’re usually helpful in moving the conversation along versus not getting stuck in looping or assuming.
I hope you’ll practice “I” statements. If you do, I’d love to know how it goes!
