Someone asked me recently if I was happy.
Suddenly, my thoughts felt like a blender going at full speed with the lid off, memories, milestones, recollections, landmarks sputtering everywhere.
“Happy?” Hmmm, let me see. “Happy … happy … hap’py?”
” … Am I happy?”
” … Am I happy?”
“ … Am I happy?”
One of the memories that shot to the front of my consciousness was that of a particularly sweet Christmas Eve. I can see everything about it in my mind’s eye: the shimmery tinsel on the tree branches, the clunky bold lights in primary colors, the trumpet (Hasbro, not Schilke) that was wrapped in a box previously home to one of my dad’s power tools. (Gifting presents in decoy boxes was my mom’s signature move for surprising my brother and me.) The whole scene was magical. I was enchanted. And yes, I was happy.
I was also seven.
I’ve since posed the question to others ~ friends, colleagues, family members: “Are you happy?” They seemed just as caught in a blender-whirring moment as I was. Like me, no one said “No,” but neither could anyone, it seemed, commit to “Yes.”
I began to wonder whether it was just me and the few I’d quizzed who don’t use the “H” word freely or whether something has happened to alter the idea of happiness itself.
Is happiness out of step with the times, a morphing – if not a distorted – concept that may require a fresh look at how many of us think of this state of mind?
Nearly all of us buy into what we’ve come to expect from happiness – the belief that certain adult achievements (marriage, kids, careers, portfolios) will make us forever happy and that certain adult failures or adversities (illness, being uncoupled, having too little money) will leave us forever unhappy. Who among us hasn’t thought “I’ll be happy when _______ (fill in the blank)?”, when I get the job title, say “I do,” give birth, move to an exotic location.
An enduring false promise is not that these achievements won’t make us happy. They almost always do. The problem is they will not keep us happy for long.
Hence, when we achieve these goals but don’t ultimately feel as expected, we can too easily descend into one of two rabbit holes: the one where we rededicate ourselves to trying harder next time, chasing yet again what has eluded us or the other where we get down on ourselves, feeling that there’s something wrong with us. Worse, we can feel as though we’re the only ones who feel this way.
The flip side is an equally vexing myth: “I can’t be happy if _______ happens,” if some unwanted event or circumstance befalls us, if the test is positive, if the relationship ends, if the new job feels empty. This conditional view of happiness has long been the subject of what many therapists, including me, have questioned.
Enter the times in which we live.
Climate neglect, toxic politics, land grabs, loose lips that signal a disregard for national and global security, and the ambient cruelty imposed on many Americans as they watch their financial stability teeter under the most haphazard and reckless means possible, leave many with the fear that sanity’s very foundation has a fault line.
Sandwiched between the personal quest for happiness and its limitations and the collective stress the American Psychological Association deems “highly significant” lies the American psyche.
Never more urgent, our psyches must find ways to remain buoyant, hopeful, and as fulfilled as possible. Happiness that long ago seemed as effortless as tinsel on a holiday tree must now be found in more grownup magic and wonder. This adult version is not about recapturing the naive enchantment of youth, but about cultivating a deeper, more sober and more nuanced understanding of the world. It’s about recognizing the intricate matrix of relationships, the interconnectedness of all things, and the beauty that can be found in both imperfection and uncertainty (yes, I said it).
As we embrace this more mature sense of wonder, we may notice that it brings a feeling of peace, clarity and purpose to our lives. We may discover that the world is still full of magic, but it’s a magic tempered by wisdom, compassion, and a deeper grasp of the human experience.
How then do we go about feeling good about being alive? How do we walk the tightrope between the disturbing realities we face and our need for contentment?
Let me offer a few terms and phrases that, in themselves, may help reorient us to a more accessible view of happiness:
Consider, first, that you do not have to feel good to feel better. Much the way a runner runs in the rain, not just when it’s sunny, we can persevere. We can learn ways to cultivate a sense of well-being and fulfillment even in the midst of challenges and difficulties.
Depth and breadth
By being willing to be more contemplative, reflective, and introspective, we can deepen our values and sense of who we are, beneath superficiality and quick fixes. We can better embrace different perspectives and become more 3-dimentional individuals.
Cultivate More Emotional Intelligence
By being more empathic and compassionate, we’re able to understand and share the feelings of others. We become more resonant individuals able to connect on a deeper emotional level. Opportunities for renewal, growth, and meaningful change arise more easily.
Allow Yourself to be Moved
By giving yourself permission to be affected or touched by the kindness of others, natural beauty, and pleasant synchronicities, we can become more tender-hearted, inspired and moved by the simple things in life.
Embrace impermanence
Impermanence is one of the givens of life. By acknowledging and accepting this reality, we can cultivate a greater appreciation of the present moment. This mindset can help us let go of our attachment to specific outcomes and find satisfaction in the journey, rather than just the destination.
Look for Meaning and Purpose
Having a sense of purpose and meaning can give our lives direction, significance, and satisfaction. This can be derived from work, relationships, mindful activities, or the expression of personal values.
Complexity and Ambiguity
By being willing to grapple with concepts that are not black and white but gray, we are more likely to see subtilties and nuances. This allows for a more holistic understanding of ideas, problems and solutions.
We can spare ourselves a good deal of frustration and even suffering by training our minds to stop waiting for happiness, and stop being afraid of the potential for unhappiness. Life is constantly in a state of flux. It is only by going with these ups and downs, peaks and valleys that we can truly participate in the richness of life.
I offer this for your consideration, friends. I offer it as an anchor of sorts. Appreciating its meaning cannot only free us, empower us, and broaden our horizons, it can grant us our best opportunity to choose how we want to live and to feel. And that is no small feat.
Here’s to doing life well.
