I once purchased a very expensive time piece. I was in my mid-20s and unhappy about something or other in my life.
Some years later, I signed a two-year lease on a pricey penthouse apartment in order to get myself through a milestone birthday that, at the time, felt too difficult to accept.
Next, was the 5-bedroom Victorian my partner and I purchased, at my urging. Okay, strongarming. Painstakingly searching for just the right 3-bedroom home, I leapt to what became the unwise idea to go humongous while in the throes of a market downturn and an important business relationship that had gone south.
All this did not stop me from developing an obsession with the American Express Platinum Card. I tried to shake it off because on some level I knew I was crossing the line of all things prudent, but the thought of denying myself that piece of shiney, silver plastic (and what I believed it represented) made my chest tighten.
In between, there were deep-tissue massages interspersed with wardrobe makeovers and dinners at fancy NYC restaurants.
Those were the days.
The days when the light of my self-awareness was pretty dim.
As you can no doubt see, I looked to various forms of retail therapy to solve my problems rather than call an actual therapist. I knew better but I didn’t listen to myself. What’s more – and I realized this only in retrospect – was as I went through that several year period, I was developing not one but two problems: I didn’t feel significantly better about the things I was dealing with AND I had put myself in financial jeopardy.
Not yet a therapist when all this occurred, I lacked the financial savvy to make well-informed choices. Yet, it was my lack of emotional awareness back then that turbo charged my drive to keep my distance from my feelings. To be precise, my unwanted and deeply uncomfortable feelings.
When I did finally consult a good therapist, she said not only was I masking my emotions, but I was carrying on as if I had way more money than I actually had. A type of “money dysmorphia.” Akin to the term, “body dysmorphia,” meaning people who look in the mirror and don’t see what’s really there, “money dysphoria” refers to people who have a skewed view of their own financial well-being.
A layer cake of emotional avoidance, topped with an unreal sense of my money situation covered in a pretty psychological fondant signaled to the world exactly what I wanted it to signal: “I was okay. Better than okay, in fact. I was doing really great. The fact is, I wasn’t.
If my layer cake had a creamy center, it would have consisted of sadness, anger, and fear. I was invested in covering all that up, convinced that if any of it escaped, I would lose something. The respect of others, perhaps? Their approval? Their love? I wasn’t sure back then.
I have since learned that rigidly wearing masks that conceal our creamy center only serves to keep us more and more detached from our truest nature, from who we truly are. Our deepest yearning(and calling)is to live as we were meant to live. To rest in our truth.
Now, I’m a big believer in learning from one another’s mistakes. I think that if we can all get on the family plan, we can save some valuable time and fast- track our collective progress.
Here are a few things you can learn from mine:
Facing yourself through your feelings is always better than running away from yourself.
- You can’t solve internal, emotional dilemmas by looking to external fixes. They just don’t work. And if they do, those fixes will not last.
- Rigidly wearing psychological masks in general, and the mask of “I’m fine,” in particular, will prevent others from seeing and relating to a truer you.
- The more you conduct yourself as if you have everything all together all of the time, the less others will try to help or support you. Your persona has convinced them that you don’t need it.
- Feelings are just feelings. They arise with every thought, interaction and observation we have. How you choose to respond to these feelings, as an adult, is within your control. (Of course this does not apply to children who are dependent on their caregivers and cannot exercise control over their environment.)
- You can’t love anyone (and they can’t really love you) until you respect yourself.
- Each and every one of us has a darker side known as a shadow side. It’s normal. It’s not a bad thing. Our shadow isn’t meant to be conquered. It’s meant to be integrated into the entire fabric of our being. The more this occurs, the easier life becomes and the freer we feel. We no longer have to keep aspects of ourselves hidden away.
- Your deepest, inner truth about yourself, once you see it, becomes the bedrock of who you are. It grounds you and calms you.
- You can learn to handle all of your feelings.
- You will grow to appreciate who you are.
- Call a therapist sooner.
