“I know best.”
“It’s already handled!”
“I don’t need anything, thank you”
This is an interesting psychological mask.
As someone who has worn this particular mask (I have several) for decades, I can attest to its usefulness … and its burden.
The mask of over-competence or extreme self-reliance projects an image to the world that says, “I am capable.” In fact, “I am so capable I don’t need anyone. And I certainly don’t need help.”
Question: What could possibly be the drawback of being competent?
Answer: Nothing, except when your need to be this way stems from a fear that to be any other way, ie, less knowledgeable or to even have needs is emotionally dangerous.
What do I mean?
Well, Self-Love Builders, how many of us can get caught up in striving for perfection? For approval? For acceptance? In my book, UNMASKED, I explore how this mask can impact our lives and relationships. Here’s a brief overview of this invisible shield and on TONIGHT’S podcast, we’ll dig more deeply into its meaning and implications, Live!
So, what exactly is the Mask of Over-Competence?
It’s when we prioritize achievement and control over our emotional well-being. We might set unrealistically high standards for ourselves (while believing these out-of-reach ideals are attainable), push ourselves to excel at all costs, and try to micromanage situations in order to feel more secure. But beneath the surface, this mask often hides fears of failure, inadequacy, and vulnerability. Isn’t this interesting? Fascinating, even?
The (High) Cost of Wearing This Mask
When we’re wearing the Mask of Over-Competence or Extreme Self-Reliance, we might achieve great things. But the question to ask ourselves is: at what cost? Always feeling as though we must be the person in charge can leave us feeling burnt out, depleted, and anxious. Our relationships can become strained. We might struggle to form genuine connections with others and feel unfulfilled despite our accomplishments. Worst of all, we may secretly begin to harbor resentment toward others, even those we love.
Unmasking and Growth
It’s important to note that the goal with unmasking is not to make our masks disappear. Rather, it’s to be in control of them ~ to use them when necessary and drop them or at least loosen them when it isn’t.
So, how do we unmask and break free from this pattern? It starts with recognizing the underlying fears and insecurities that drive our need to wear this mask. By embracing vulnerability, self-compassion, and imperfection, we can come to understand, know, and trust in ourselves. Whether we realize it or not, this is what determines the quality of our lives almost more than anything else. Let me repeat that: this is crucial to leading a fulfilling adult life.
The Deeper WHY?
The Overly-Competent persona consists of a psychological facade that camouflages hidden, unmet needs. Adults who wear this mask were once children whose legitimate emotional needs went unmet. Often, these children had at least one caregiver whom they had to emotionally parent. In need of nurturance, guidance, and protection, these young individuals not only received too little of this themselves but were then expected to turn around and provide these very functions to an insatiable adult. Quite an impossible situation to be in.
Often bright and resourceful, these children’s young capacities were stretched beyond their abilities but they somehow managed to think and behave like big boys and girls way before it was appropriate for them to do so. Thus, they drew the logical but burdensome conclusion that they must forget about their own needs and take matters of survival into their own hands. Caring for the emotionally unavailable, ill, grieving, addicted, or immature parent was the child’s best chance of survival. That way, the child could at least hope that his or her efforts would result in a stronger or better or more present parent.
Given this, these children had no frame of reference for accepting care and support because it was they who had to provide it. You can no doubt see the trap here.
How to Begin to Lift This Mask
Wearers of the Overly-Competent mask can look forward to feeling more relaxed, but they must do a few things first. These steps may seem counterintuitive at first, but they offer a pathway to an easier way of living:
- Admit that they were emotionally alone as a child (No one like this but it is a necessary and vital step).
- Next, admit that they have been craving closeness, care, and attention and someone they could lean on.
- They must then face their lifelong yearning to have felt special to someone, to know that someone had their back.
- By coming in touch with these deeper truths, these mask wearers can see that they have not only survived these truths but now they can survive feeling their feelings about what happened. This way, they no longer need to cling to this defense mechanism as a way to avoid the pain. They can finally find emotional freedom by compassionately acknowledging their own needs and giving themselves the self-respect that comes from doing so. In essence, wearers of this mask can begin to drop their guard and grow into the sort of person who would have protected and nurtured them when they were a child. This is quite profound; a game-changer in how we walk through life.
