See if you can catch yourself doing it.
I’m talking about black or white thinking. Or all-or-nothing thinking. Or perhaps thinking that is right or wrong. Oh, and how about the mother of all either-ors, good or bad thinking?
It can be easy to fall into some common binary thinking patterns.
Have you ever noticed yourself using this sort of logic in your own life? Many people do.
There is something about us humans.
We like things simple and easy to understand. No problem there.
The problem does creep in when we try to simplify life’s complexities by reducing them to either/or choices. You’ve probably noticed that we say things like “I’m either happy or sad,” “This is either good or bad,” or “You’re either with me or against me.” But what if I told you that there’s not only a simple but powerful word that can help you bridge your binary thoughts and unlock a more nuanced, compassionate, and realistic way of living?
That word is “and.”
Think about it. When we use “and,” a few things begin to happen: we open ourselves up to the possibility of multiple perspectives, contradictory emotions (yes, we can feel opposite emotions simultaneously), and nuanced understanding.
We acknowledge that life, rather than seen in black or white terms, is actually made up of shades of gray.
We start to realize that the extremes are quite narrow, whereas the gray zone is wide. And deep. Simply put, most of life happens in the gray place.
Having only two fixed lenses with which to interpret all of life is not only limiting, it also offers an inadequate means to navigating it successfully. Life is simply too big to fit into such a small mental construct.
But what drives us to think in binary terms?
Often, it’s fear, anxiety, or a strong desire for control. We might feel overwhelmed by the complexity of a situation, so we simplify it to make it feel more manageable. Or, we might feel uncomfortable with uncertainty, so we try to squeeze things into neat categories.
However, binary thinking can lead to:
- Oversimplification of complex issues
- Increased stress and anxiety because complexity cannot be successfully squeezed into a narrow understanding
- Decreased empathy and understanding
- Reduced creativity and problem-solving
So, what can you do to move beyond either-or thinking?
1st. Notice your thinking. Catching yourself in real time can lead to you searching for other perspectives or possibilities.
2nd. Use “and” instead of “but.” Practicing this simple shift can help you acknowledge multiple viewpoints and nuances.
3rd. Embrace ambiguity: Recognize that uncertainty and ambiguity are natural aspects of life. Explore the possibilities that exist within the gray areas.
4th. Cultivate the ability to see things from others’ vantage point. Empathy and understanding can help you develop a wider worldview.
In essence, by embracing “and,” we can:
• Hold multiple emotions at once (e.g., “I’m happy and sad”)
• Acknowledge different perspectives (e.g., “I see your point, and I have my own”)
• Navigate conflicts with empathy and understanding (e.g., “I understand why you’re upset, and I’m upset too”)
• Cultivate a more realistic and compassionate worldview (e.g., “Not everyone sees life the exact way I do. and … I don’t see life the exact way they do.” This is how we develop our “tolerance muscle.”
So, the next time you find yourself tempted to simplify life’s complexities with an either/or choice, try inserting “and” into the equation. You might be surprised at how this simple word can transform your thinking, your conflicts, and your life.
Why not play with this concept this week? See what it does for you. Drop me a line; I’d love to know!
Want to learn more about how to shift a pattern such as black or white thinking? Watch my podcast below.
